A Million Little Decisions

I believe I have spoken before of the great rent in my life -- a thing that forever after there was a "before" and an "after". Most folks have some form of this -- a before marriage and after, or before kids and after, or before the move or after. Sorry, but I think mine is bigger than all those, partly because I of course have all of those other before-and-afters too, but mostly because the rent, at some soul level, changed who I was/am.

I have spent some of the last five years reclaiming some parts of the "before" me that were discarded, mostly inadvertently in just trying to live through the rent; things about myself and who I was that I claim as my own, that I reclaim, that I don't let fear turn me away from. I may feel fear but I walk on in a phrase that came to me as my daddy lay dying for three weeks, walk on in your own integrity; be true to yourself, damn the torpedos.

But I said then, when it happened, that it would be a blessing, that I would make something good out of it, somehow. That I would not forget it, put it behind me, or pretend like it never happened. Trying to do that has been a funny twisting path. But I am reminded yet again how very lucky, fortunate, blessed, I am to have gone through that.

I so messed up. I disappointed everyone. I totally screwed the whole rest of my life. I hit the delete button on every dream I ever had.

And yet, here I am, 45, with the best family ever, on a farm with a cow and a horse and my own food, with interesting people around, with time to write and sing and think and cook and play and laugh and work hard too. But the greatest gifts are internal: It was so bad then that I tend to think that nothing since then is too big a deal; I understand people, some of them anyway, in way more compassionate ways than most; I know why people turn away, and why they stare at a car wreck too; I love so deeply because I know what it looks like when none of it is there; I have seen the end of the world. I have been priviledged to live, and continue to live, any number of my most cherished dreams.

Of course, other people, the drama queens and people who get upset because their tv remote doesn't work, I think, folks, you NEED to have a real problem. And other people, people who think they are going to make a living gambling online or who live at the edge of their credit debt or who put off doing what they really want to do forever, those people I think, folks, your so-called problems are your own doing. See, there's the Contrary again.

But the things that were making me think these thoughts have also reminded me that it is a constant, choosing and defining what is important to you, who you are in your heart of hearts. It is like quitting smoking, something I did a long time ago -- it isn't a one-time decision but one you have to make every single time you want a cigarrette. That's why it is so hard. And not being drug along in the contemporary paradigm is like that too, a million little decisions. And then a million more.