I Am the Stream

It has been a July.

It isn’t my favorite time of year on the farm anyway. Back in my adolescence, when I lived at the municipal pool all summer long, and when I wasn’t there I was riding my horse along the strips jobs (mines) to anywhere I had a notion to go, and when except for who I might see or what my mother might fuss about there wasn’t a care in the world, I liked July pretty well those summers. Still, August was better.

Although this isn’t a personal growth journal, personal growth does happen on the farm. And in fact, to be able to grow most freely, most rank, might well have been what drew me to this very life. Hmmm, so I guess rank growth and July actually go together.

This has been a month of flux. And I’m a Taurean. I don’t do flux well. Or at least I stand there, unmoving, lost in the currents’ movements, wondering what is going on, and when it subsides, I’m still standing there. Snorting usually. Stamping a foot maybe. Stillness comes naturally to a Taurean because if they move much they break things, but that stillness doesn’t extend to the inside where the flux currents flow as if there weren’t a bull shape around them at all.

I can date from at least my 40th birthday that I’ve been journeying backward a bit, trying to touch a younger self of mine that I’ve seen glimpses of at different times through the years. I‘ve come to call it mining for my heart of gold. And this month I hit a mother lode. If you could know all the “coincidences” that joined for this. (If you believe in coincidences, you are a fool.) Ah, but no doubt about it. I found the girl I was. I see the woman I am. I see a few other fragments and a number of secrets and keys although there is nothing to possess. Only a dance, only a song, only a painting, only a ride, only a love, only a beingness (without punctuation)

And a rip in my life. That came with a lot of punctuation. We all have them, really. But I don’t think many of us heal them. And that’s what I’m hoping to be able to do. To re-weave the fabric of my life. And thus the universe. To repair the rent. Not make new, not pretend it wasn’t, but to rejoin everything in something not quite but almost new and not quite but almost whole. The web of life is strong and my connections are tenacious. There is no reason to grasp. Open that hand girl! Stare at it and keep it open and breathe! And let your own gift flow, the gift that you still do not know quite what it is but you feel it whereas you haven’t for years.

We have long had the idea of a stream. That what is good in life is not in limited quantities. Living in abundance. If we need something, really, we can reach in the stream and it is there. Magic. Miraculous. The way it really is. And by taking it, we haven’t diminished the stream at all. It is a matter of being in touch with the GreatMysterious, centered, grounded, quiet, relaxed. Magic. Miraculous. The way it really is. Across all realities.

& I am only what we all are.