middle of the road

I was on my way home after work, a little bit late, grilled over a fire burgers waiting on me when my neighbor stepped out into the road and flagged me down.  A little small talk about the draft horse auction and probably some other things then he said, "Look, I watch what you do on Facebook and I think about it" (so do I -- I love it when people have good arguments that make me reconsider or refine what I think) "and I just want you to know . . . .  Look, I voted for Trump."

"NOOOOOOO!" I said in mock surprise, laughing with him.  "I'm so surprised!"

"Yeah, I did.  I'm a conservative, I am."  I didn't get a chance to say right then that in many many ways I consider myself a conservative too.  He continued, "I voted for Trump but I just want you do know, you don't have a neighbor who is a neo-Nazi white supremacist.  I think Trump's an idiot.  I'm embarrassed.  But I just couldn't . . . ".

"Hey, I know," I said, "I didn't vote for Hillary either."  Because, hate on me all you want to, I could not.  Truth be told, if I had been in a swing state, I likely would have voted for her, but I wasn't.  So I voted my conscience.  The status quo is not good enough.  The status quo is not good enough.

"I just wanted you to know."

And we continued talking about a lot of the things we do agree on.  Like the importance of family, and time with your family; that "success" is something other than money; that choosing to live differently can be a little scary; that being informed and taking a stand is an effort.  Lots of things really, and there could have been lots more things too.

Now I'll tell ya, I get plumb exasperated at times with Trump supporters.  The whole "libtard" "Trump train" thing.  How can you possibly be a human being and support his, well, his evil, because that is what it is.  His behavior, his attitude, his proud ignorance is deplorable.  His baseless attacks, his habitual lying -- how can anyone defend that?  And he always has been this way and I won't get how that somehow got excused by people.  For conservatives, what about the whole tax issue?  That's so huge.  The whole Russia thing.  The whole believe the inauguration was the biggest on record thing (because I know people who really seriously buy into that because Trump equals Jesus, I swear).

But I also know at heart most of us have good hearts.  Trumpsters, Hillaryites, Bernie bros, Putinistas -- none of those, or at least very very few, really want to see children go hungry; very few want to see people have less opportunity just because they are not white (but to believe that whites have fewer opportunities is absurd, and factually wrong); people don't want to see bombs dropped on civilians or soldiers come home crippled or the US military be weak.  If there are children on our borders, we cannot turn them away, but we must examine the policies that cause them to be there. But to say, "Well, we can't save them all so we have to turn them away; after all they are not our problem," is itself evil and we have to recognize that, even as seeing children on our borders scares us in so many ways.

What we really have to do is look each other in the eyes and listen to each other.  The homophobic church needs to talk with gay people.  People who believe food stamps are a rip off need to 1) feed their own families on that budget and 2) talk to folks who get food stamps.  You know, stuff like that.  Are you a gun nut?  Are you willing to talk with someone who wants gun control?  Are you adamant that there should be more gun control?  Are you willing to actually look at the fact that pretty much all your proposals are already in effect?  Can we talk about violence in the culture instead of just about guns?  If you are a school teacher, are you willing to stay friends with someone like me who believes that schooling (not education mind you, but schooling) is in and of itself harmful?  If you are me, am I willing to talk with a vegan who hasn't grown her own food and who doesn't know that carrots scream when you take them from the ground?

Can we find the strength to do this?  Can we find the wherewithal to stand against white supremacists without thinking it weakens our position?  Can we find the gumption to not be threatened, not to live in fear, to know that love is not saying that word but an actual giving of ourselves; an actual, real, tangible vulnerability? A giving up?  An opening of the hand?

Well, there was that conversation in the middle of the road tonight.

I don't know.  I find myself standing against a lot.  I find myself saying "no" a lot -- almost like a parent.  "No.  This is not ok."

I've tried in my life to live differently, and I will continue that, and I will admit that it continues to be scary to do so.  I will continue to speak what I believe to be true even when people don't want to hear it (did you notice you are not happy with your boyfriend, did you notice that lemons are not actually local, did you notice that creeks die without riparian borders, did you notice your horse doesn't actually like you, did you notice all of your external trappings didn't change the way you feel, did you notice that Trump is a buffoon, did you notice your husband is a lush, did you notice?).